~ ~ ~ ~

 

Increases to 10 times

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You
should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, and you'll get
fired!"

She sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna be in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?".

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye"

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And Third,

One day you are going to be VERY, VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and
take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again
ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't even get on the bed."

~ ~ ~ ~

 

The Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
"What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later
and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says,"Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two
was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Snoring

Some "good ol' boys" went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money,
they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because
he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with
him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man,
that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a book entitled "You Can Be The Man of Your House".

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have The kind of sex I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for a good night's sleep.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

~ ~ ~ ~

 

The Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the
Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as  marked
with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield..
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious..

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

~ ~ ~ ~

 

To: The Citizens Of The United States Of America

Dear Sir or Madam:

Subject: A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of
America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary").

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "ize".

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4 th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been incorrectly calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with "catsup" but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called "The World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad!

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Sincerely,

John Cleese

The Council for the Revocation of the Independence of the United States of America

~ ~ ~ ~

Subject: Economics

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

~ ~ ~ ~

GOOD ADVICE


HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain.. .Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!

~ ~ ~ ~